Finding Light in that Dark Place

When my father died in 1988 and then my brother in 1996, they left deep holes within me that I tried to fill, but the only thing that seemed to fill those gaping holes was alcohol. Although my grip on alcohol really started in my teens from having to wash away the abuse that happened to me when I was 10, and 15.
 
So, the drinking really started in my teens but became heavier after the death of my father and then my brother. For the longest time, from the age of 10, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. The soul within me seemed older.
 
After years of alcohol abuse and a failed marriage, depression set in and I hit rock bottom. I was homeless for a bit but then managed to find a place to live where I began to question myself, feeling like I had let my family and the few friends I had, down. I tried to hide myself away but that left me with dark thoughts and a conscience where my father and brother stared back at me in silence.
 
After the marriage failed in 2002, I then went through a major depression to the point that I could not function at all. I saw a doctor, who insisted I take time off work. He prescribed medication as well which meant that I had to stop drinking alcohol for a while to take the pills…and so I did. And here I have to tell you that after a while without drinking, I felt, and then saw the demon within me, shrivel up and die. (No joke)
 
I met someone over the internet in 2002-2003 that had a calming effect on me. A new relationship began to bud in my life and I felt like I had both feet on the ground again.
 
It wasn’t long before I began to casually drink, but this time I was able to see myself as I was and decided to stop. I finally gave it up in 2005, the day before my 45th birthday. My deceased brother Danny also had an influence on my decision as he had died of a massive heart attack at the age of 44 and I felt myself going in the same direction, and so on March 22nd, 2005, as a promise to my brother Danny, and to myself, I gave up smoking and drinking.
 
Giving up drinking was easy because I drank very rarely at that point in time, however, giving up smoking? That was really hard. Anyone that has quit smoking will tell you about the strong pull like being attached to chains and routines, or the bargaining from that nicotine demon, the anger brought on by the nicotine withdrawal and the stress it puts on family and friends because of the sudden mood swings. It was like being a wounded bear in the woods, snarling on two feet and swatting at the air…this too did pass and because I lived in the country and had a forest to snarl in, I was able to beat the addiction. Being alone in a natural place allowed me to battle the demons within while steering clear from the cliff of self destruction.
 
People know how stubborn I can be. My brother certainly saw it when I was a teenager, and had no problem telling me about how frustrating I could be. I’m pretty sure others have seen it since, although, today, it is from a position of knowledge and not a position of belief. I certainly can appear very stubborn in my ways, and I’m not afraid to speak my mind.
 
Anyways, there is a song I found during my World United Music project, that really resonated with what it felt like as I went through and emerged from this darkness. The song is called “Never Again” by Griffin House, from his 2007 album “Homecoming”.
 
Have you ever had a song that felt like it was written especially for you? This one did it for me. The lyrics are below but unfortunately this websites will not allow me to embed the song. However, if you click on this link Griffin House - Never Again it will take you to the song on YouTube. So, if you’ve made it this far in reading my post, have a listen to the song and read the lyrics to understand why it resonated so well. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do. 
 
Wishing you a healthy, prosperous and happy New Year!
 
~ Stewart ~
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Never Again – Griffin House
 
Never again am I gonna give my heart to a bullshit cause
I've had enough of lies and dark
Never again am I gonna waste my time on a bullshit road
It's never been a friend of mine
 
Simple words from a simple man
Take me as I am 'cause there's no guarantee I'll ever change
To feel like this, to know distress, to always wonder why
Ah, forgive me any way I go
 
Father, I know, I feel like I'm made to let you down
Brother, I know, I'm failing to come through
To feel like this, to know distress, to always wonder why
If you lead me anywhere I'll go
 
Well, it's plain to see that I don't fit in
And I tried to find a place to hide
My body's always been too young for the soul that's trapped inside
But I'd show the color of my eyes to everyone around
And it'd take an angel seven years to come and calm me down
 
I'll never understand myself or know the reasons why
In my bed alone at night I learned to be afraid to die
My soul is frozen stiff inside my skin
Paralyzed by thoughts that I've let in
 
Father, I know, I feel like I'm made to let you down
Brother, I know, I'm failing to come through
To feel like this, to know distress, to always wonder why
If you take me... anywhere I'll go
 
Wherever you are going... take me by the hand
If you lead me... anywhere I'll go